| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2006|05:16 pm] |
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I'll be in town december 21-26. We should all meet up sometime around then. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 21st, 2006|04:34 pm] |
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Anyone want to make up a fake myspace persona with me for kicks but no giggles? |
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| homecoming |
[Aug. 8th, 2006|05:13 pm] |
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i'll be in town august 22-28. let me know if you any of you guys will have some time off then. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2006|04:03 pm] |
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How about we all pick a mmorpg and starting playing? What cha say? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2006|04:56 pm] |
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Why is it that Napoleon Dynamite gets funnier the more times you watch it? |
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| Forty Poem Attack! |
[Sep. 5th, 2005|09:22 am] |
That's right. Feel the power of what forty poems will do to you!
Rusty the Poem
_______________
Rusty hands and
rusty feet will
make you stop
and think and
bleed
_______________
John Travolta
_______________
Once upon a time there was a lad
his name was John Travolta
he sat down and sipped
on lemonade
now his hair is grey
_______________
Earnest the Drunken Parlor Dancer
_________________
High up upon a ledge
there stood a drunk named Vinny
he has no relation to the rest of this poem
so he retired and finished his whiskey
Down low on a boat
sat Earnest the goat
who was ugly and drunk
so he crashed his boat and sunk
into the water and night
till he was out of sight
now he's dead as can be
but at least he had a bad knee
_____________________
Cat Wrangler
_____________________
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
that is a question most commonly asked
and therefore it doesn't deserve an answer
_____________________
Suicide Bomber
_____________________
Bomber - Hello Mom I am going for a walk today?
Mom - Okay, be carfull out there... Hey, why is your back-pack so heavy today?
Bomber - I forgot my lunch yesterday.
Mom - Oh.. That doesn't make sense, but I trust you anyhow. Good luck on your test.
Bomber - Don't worry, I won't bomb it.
_____________________
Fruit
___________________
Ben - Do you like fruit Rusty?
Rusty - Fruit?
Ben - Yeah, do you like to eat fruit?
Rusty - Uh, yeah...
Ben - Oh man, you're gay
___________________
The Lost Dinosaur
___________________
Have you ever seen a lost dinosaur?
no
that's very rude of you to interrupt me
so what, you asked
if you had seen a lost dinosaur
no
what, you haven't?
what kind of dumb question is that?
its a perfectly normal question
man,you're retarded
____________________
Lobster Dinner
___________________
Take out a wine
place it on the table
say your prays
cus jesus is in the air
set the wooden table
with knifes and forks and also spoons
do it just right
so we can fuck the dyke
place the lobster down
with garnishes and all
serve it all out
and shove it up her mouth
lobster dinners fun
politically correct for everyone
now you can do it too
just practice with a shoe
_______________________________
A Poem that was Written
_______________________________
This sentence is intriguing and inspiring
this sentence rhymes with the previous sentence
this sentence makes you think about yourself differently
this sentence sort of rhymes with the last, expect for in a way that is surprising, yet works
This sentence has lovely word connections
this sentence has a deep and original metaphor
this sentence makes you feel inferior about yourself
this sentence makes you feel young again
This sentence is absurdly provocative
this sentence comes out of now where, yet connects the piece
this sentence spells it all out to you and you are surprised
this sentence relays the meaning of life and closes the poem on a subtle quiet note
the poem is over now
________________________________
What?
___________
A blind man walked by and I spoke to him
he said, sorry, i'm blind a can't hear
what?
A fat woman strolled by my house one day
i ran out and asked her for some food
she said, sorry, you need to lose some weight
what?
The trash man pulled up in front of my house
i ran out with two trash bags in hand
he looked me up and down and said, you disgust me
what?
I saw a mom with eight kids walking in the park
one of them ran off and I returned him to her
she looked me over and said, not good enough for you?
what?
I met this guy in a cafe writing dumb poems
sitting down beside him I started reading
and one of them was this poem
what?
________________________
The fall of Rome
________________
R - Rad
O - Ostrich
M - Meat, from the Ostrich
E - Emancipation
_________________
The Colors of the world
_________________
Make me dinner please and you can dine with my secret guest
the secret guest is code for mystery
if ever there were a mystery i have one
the mystery is a deep as a mountain is hard to walk up
okay, now paint your face
hoy, i made you paint your face and make me dinner
the mystery is that Bill Cosby killed his son
this is truth
_____________________________
Boberlla
________________
Much prettier than
Cinderella
More grace than
snow white
doesn't choke on apples either
More innocent than
Bambi
More powerful than
Pokimon
More funny than
Iago
More versatile than
Megatron
Flys carpets better than
Aladin
But not as suave as
Alex Baldwin
______________________
Recipe for Calmness
_____________________
Take a bag pack filled with meat
walk to the nearest subway station
wait for the train to close it's door
throw the back-pack inside and run
______________________
Blinds
____________________
My window blinds are white
like a whales tooth, gone missing in june
My window blinds and vertical
like that movie vertical horizon
My window blinds have a few strings
like a chewed up cat toy
My window blinds also have a plastic thingy
like a factory that makes things
My window blinds cover my windows
like shade producing objects
____________________
THOUGHTFUL POEM
___________________
Closing your eyes
imaging the sun escapes
could it be?
that you are the sun and not the moon
i think not
____________________
MOCK POEM
____________________
Flute
Rusty is skinny
Just like a flute
that is the context of this poem
____________________
Rude Potatoes
__________________
Farmer Jekins walked into his yard
potato
Lilly-Ann walked out of her room
potato
Marry-Sue stepped into the back-yard
potato
Bobby stepped out of his car
potato
Mac-Fred opened the door
potato
The family came inside
potato
and found the kitchen full of
potato
_________________
THE SMARTEST POEM EVER WRITTEN
__________________
A fly is on the wall
does it not breath the same air we do?
Shall you crush it and stomp out it's life?
is that fly on the wall really affecting you?
what will that bring?
the fly is now in the air
does it not hope the same hope you do?
Shall you swat at it and kill it forever?
has the fly in the air really wronged you?
how will that make you feel?
the fly is on you food now
does it not eat the same food you do?
Shall you crush it and deny it the right to live?
do you steal away the poor flys soul?
what anger lies inside you?
the fly is still on your food---
oh, you killed it
________________________________
My Painting
_____________________
When I grow old
I shall hire fire midgets to paint my picture
people always look better looking up
if i can't find any midgets
i will just cut off their legs
what do I care
I'm old
_____________________
CRITICISM
____________________
My poems are awful
I think shaved tortured monkeys could write better
each piece is void of meaning
there is a negative tone surrounding them
is that all you are, pessimistic and empty
why don't you write about happy times?
Don't talk to yourself in third person
_____________________
HAPPY POEM
_____________________
A duck smiles
a fat baby throws a toy
the sun prances
an old man jerks off
_____________________
QUALITY
____________________
Dert is a scum-bag
he is a mutant
i've thrown a rotten tomato at him
will he eat it?
That's quality~
___________________
Mask of Life
__________________
Call 9-11
who answers the phone?
ask them how their day is going
offer them a glass of lemonade
now refuse the glass of lemonade
call the operator a foul name
hang up the phone
walk out from your friends house
call 9-11
turn your friend in
now your friend will be arrested
you've done the right thing
gain five experience points
___________________________
RACISM
________________________
Black people are dying in New Orleans
White people are also dying in New Orleans
There are more black people than white people in New Orleans
White people are racist
_________________________
POEM
________________________
Brought to you by Kellogg's
Flowers bloom in may
just like rice crispy's snap crackle and pop
in spring mountain air grows thick
just like the cool refreshing drink, mountain dew
also in may the air flows lighten
filled with pollen, so use Kleenex
children laugh in the hammock
just as much as they do watching Sponge Bob
Grandma Nelly prepares her famous iced tea
just as good as Nestle canned teas
run threw the open meadows
wearing your Nikes of course
and you will experience a true delight
a similar delight that you can get through refinancing your home with Ditec.com
stare into the sunset
wearing your Raybands
let the spring set in
then enjoy by taking the family to IHOP!
___________________________
RECYCLE
_______________________
Recycle means there is a tomorrow
trash means I am throwing you away
are you throwing me away or will you see me tomorrow?
your answer will be your burden
________________________
RUSTY- THE INEATABLE
________________________
Rusty- I want to eat food
Doctor - No.
Rusty - *crys*
Doctor - Okay, here is a list of all the food you can eat
LIST:
- Banana Skins
- The salt off of rocks
- Frog toes
- Leopards urine
- MC Hammer's sideburns
- Apple cores
- McDonald's apple pies
- Ice cream cones (the cone only)
- Hillary Duff posters
- Bigfoot
- Celery (plain only)
- insecticide
- Horse bones
- Live cable wires
That's all
_____________________________
Space
________________
The black empty void
i can see the end
my time hurts like a band aid
will you provide me with sticthes
i hurt don't you
will you murder my horse
i think so that you are a horse murderer
i murder you horse too
thank you
_________________
Doctor's Orders
_________________
Doctor says go outside for health
this happens to be a smart doctor
listen to your doctor
too late, you shot him, huh?
__________________
INTERNET
_________________
Surf the Internet
you can connect
steal an essay
steal a test
just don't download a virus
or you will get sick
because std's come in many forms
so wear a Internet condom please
__________________
BIRDS AND BEES
_________________
Dad, what's sex?
that's when birds and bees have sex
but what is sex
when bees stick their stingers up birds asses
oh, that's exactly what I thought it was
_________________
Mad Horse Disease
_________________
Uncle sam road a horse to victory
the horse kicked him off and jumped off a cliff
uncle sam smiled and laughed
for he knew that there was a river on the other side of that cliff
the horse would survive and he would shoot it
__________________
Federal Ex
_________________
Federal Ex ships packages like a elephant guards its baby
the packages deliver faster and earlier than a mom hooked up on crack
they charge reasonable rates, like the prostitutes on ninth street
that is why i am looking for a new company
__________________
Murder
______________
What is murder really?
Someone takes another life?
but can you really do that?
or isn't Jesus and god the only true powers that be?
aren't they the only ones who can take your life
don't murder me god
please?
______________
HISTORY
_____________
H - Hoes
I - Iguanas
S - Staples
T - Tractors
O - Oh
R - Reptile
Y - Yes dear
______________
Preg Gnat
_____________
Oh no, my water broke
Water can't break stupid
mine just did
what did you freeze it?
no, my water just broke
what are you moses?
yes I am now get me to the hospital
yeah, sure, whatever
_____________
Ear
____________
I have an ear
wait, I have two ears
one, two
oh my god
i have never named them
____________
Math
___________
The math teacher lies
when they said add
you should divide
this means you are smart
and not dumb
I am your substitute teacher
_____________
Umbrella
____________
If it were to rain, would you wear an umbrella?
no, i wear ponchos
you Mexican or something
yes
____________
hoy hoy, you must be devastated by now. I'll will let you forfeit any time you monkey chewing lama hoarding rat of the seventh sea.
nargle 79/100
dert 38/100 |
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| Bunt Cakes, Not Just Dessert |
[Sep. 4th, 2005|04:28 pm] |
Please disregard the title of this post. This is intended to be the absolute most serious post. That being said, I must continue in my bash against the one known as Rustox, or dert, or whatever the hell you call him. This fellow, this red headed freak is at most an insect. I am convinced. Yesterday I had one of my many hitmen attempt to run him over with a car. While this plan worked because rusty is so stupid he walked across the interstate, he somehow was able to survive. This is due to the fact that rusty is an insect. He must have an extremely strong exterior skeleton, either that or we had really not run him over. The answer is obvious that rusty is an insect. Further proof lies in his ears. For some reason he can not hear. My proof, the other day I was yelling into his ears, well at least I'm assuming they were his, and he didn't even move. Either I was yelling at the corpse of a different man, or rusty is an insect. I think you'll agree that rusty is an insect. My last and the strongest proof would be the holes in his body that he breaths threw. Now while I had one of my many hitmen attempt to suffocate Rusty, holding his damp clammy hands over the red haired bastard's mouth, somehow rusty kept on breathing. Now this can either be one of two things, a. Rusty is an insect and as an insect he breaths threw holes in his body or b. my hitman doesn't know how to properly suffocate somebody. Now I think the proof is evident. Rusty is most apparently an insect. Now that I know he is an insect I have wrote a special poem for him. This will no doubt devastate him.
INSECT
______________
Rusty is an insect
_______________
could anyone have possibly said it better? I think not.
nargle 79/100
dert 78/100 |
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| Smutty Rusty |
[Sep. 4th, 2005|04:16 pm] |
Sitting down in a deep trance, this poem came to me. I hope it enlightens you for always.
ENLIGHTENMENT POEM OF DEEP SERENITY
___________________________________
Twigs and berries sitting on a loaf of bread
the lumberjack waltzed over straight out from his shed
trees move with a breeze
by the wind of god's sneeze
now that tranquility is dead
___________________________________
Good, I think not. Bad, maybe. Horrible, getting closer. Still not bad enough for you toothpaste eating magnet.
nargle 79/100
dert 79/100 |
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| Two left feet |
[Sep. 1st, 2005|07:14 pm] |
I laugh at you and your attempts to rhyme. You are most amusing horn tooter. Here's your horoscope for tomorrow: someone you love will flick you in the ear.
Now that's reassuring I am sure.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
____________________
food
it puzzles me to think of such a word
for
when did jesus really die?
thought
my brain moves without me
food for thought
a challenging phrase in which i will never comprehend
______________________
Want an otter-pop?
nargle 80/100
dert 80/100 |
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| Another poem for the piss guzler |
[Sep. 1st, 2005|07:04 pm] |
Staring into the sun inspired this poem. I wrote it just for you hornet wrangler. I hope your pants fall down in the middle of your most important presentation.
SOFT BURNING LIGHT
_____________________
Looking up above I see it
its the sun
my eyes hurt staring up, but it intrigues me so
i must stare more
a bright heavy fuzziness comes over me
all i can see are waves of colors
i am impressed by the pain they cause
what has happened to me
i am blind now
______________________
By the way, this is a true story.
nargle 81/100
dert 81/100 |
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| The essence of wind |
[Sep. 1st, 2005|06:59 pm] |
Poem titled: fluctuating gravity
_____________________________
I raised my cheek-bone slightly to the left
and let the breeze slap my stubby face
the damp dewy moisture caressed my skin
perplexed by unusual emotion i stare down
could my legs have grown into chickens
i think so
______________________________
boom shack a lack ah
nargle 81/100
dert 82/100 |
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| Yeti strike |
[Aug. 31st, 2005|07:57 pm] |
That's right. Fear the wrath of the ugly yeti!
UGLY YETI POEM
___________________
Mug shot of betti
the ugly fucking yeti
punch you in the gut
hide you in the trunk
slam you in face
make you feel disgraced
ugly fucking yeti
make you into spagetti
push you off a cliff
turn you into shit
throw you in the door
then slam you on the floor
ugly fucking Betti
the behemoth sweating yeti
crush you like glass
take away your class
stomping on your feet
smash away your teeth
that ugly hairy yeti
big fat and heavy
rip off your skin
kick you in the shin
poke out your eyes
fill them up with lye
that stinky dirty yeti
will smash dert into confetti
____________________________
How's that one skunk bag? Take that you oaf.
nargle 82/100
dert 83/100 |
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| Lama beans |
[Aug. 30th, 2005|07:16 pm] |
I put scoth in your milk and you will die.
_______________________________
The meaning of life
In truth you will awake
the sky will open
out from above
it pours
rain
In life you will learn
the battle of fate
straight down
it sinks in
seeds
With hope you will fade
the stench of death
surrounding you
devouring all
earth
Your porpous ladden thighs
ugly bleached eyes
blinding souls
confused
lost
My hate for you is like a bat, spitting out insecticide on a hot summer eve
__________________________________
nargle 82/100
dert 84/100 |
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| The battle shall grow fierce. dont make me make me it fiercer |
[Aug. 30th, 2005|07:08 pm] |
So if you havn't figured this out yet, you ship is sinking dert! You are a home made vile douch bag of ill-fitting porportions. You smell like a half baked turkey that squats in dank windowsills. Here is some food for hucking up.
________________________________
Headshot
I am a red shirt
i have been worn a couple of times
i have been sold twice
once from the gap
the second time from alf's vintage plus
now i am a little torn
a bum found me on the streets
i smell like piss and vomit now
will you adopt me?
_______________________________
Ha. Think about that for a while. It is complex beyond reasoning. There is a devine force working in between the lines. Drink piss and die, if you dont mind.
nargle 82/100
dert 85/100 |
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| Rotten Dert Cakes |
[Aug. 29th, 2005|08:20 pm] |
Damn you and your famous picture of a carrot. You think you are swuave like a bald monkey, I say you are phat like a stupid broken down volvo. Make a soy latte and spill it on the floor already, bitch.
____________________________________
imagine an egg covered in lupus
it grows cold and warty
std's spread out and infect your leg
imagine that egg being thrown into your face
the green slimy juice bursts out into your eyes
your eyes sting as the blisters boil
where's my cat?
____________________________________
Take that you dastardly bastard,
nargle 84/100
dert 87/100 |
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| It's time to root out the viking lord |
[Aug. 29th, 2005|07:57 pm] |
Taking advantage of my 60+ hour working week by writing more poems than me, I aught ta.... I belive I will, enlist the support of the Spanish! Spanish Yud that is.
Flattery Poem of Yudness
___________________________
Green beast flying in the night
yud
terrible thunderous power of delight
yud
pray that the beast dresses rusty right
yud
with green polka dots and yellow strips wrapped tight
yud
bring on the lima bean frothing bite
yud
let loose the ill suited words which are so ripe
yud
take away, burn dert's foul misleading hype
yud
make him feel like eating rotten tripe
____________________________ |
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| Birthday Poem |
[Aug. 27th, 2005|07:45 am] |
I wrote this poem for you on your birthday, however I will now post it on your not birthday. As another present to you I will not cheat today.
______________________
Rusty aging like a pile of rotten tuna salad
With every year that goes by
i see rusty disinigrate before my eyes
every year his beard grows longer
i think it makes him feel stronger
his hair is receding soon he'll be lame
but who the hell am I to complain
his pale skin's never been whiter
soon he'll be another zombie biter
every year his diet grows smaller
soon he'll have to eat his doctor
rusty's thin and weak just like a twig
soon he'll be old and wearing a wig
it's all because rusty is bolimic
but you can't throw up at the family pinic
rusty loves to paint himself
that's why his art remains on the self
no one wants to see an ugly skinny vikking
they'd rather fill their eye sockets with iccing
the day rusty's fat will be a big surprise
and most certainly will lead to my demise
cus the world would be a horrible place
when fat bearded men lie in bed and paint their face
______________________________
Oh, that one has to hurt. It's okay, you can call in sick tommorow.
nargle 87/100
dert 88/100
ps happy birthday by the way m.f.'er |
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| Cheap thrills |
[Aug. 26th, 2005|07:59 pm] |
I watched television for the very first time yesterday. It taught me a couple of things, first of all, I learned that putting effort into things is pointless, esspecialy if you are speaking to imbeciles who happened to be named dert. Oh, by the way dert is a metal digging, nose itching, frog licking, sqaure dancing, stump face. I meant that by the way.
(inspired by yoko ono)
____________________________
Recipe for a cake
take two bags of flour
add four boxes of eggs
mix and place in a waterproof duffle bag
enter a public bus
pour ingrediants on the floor
take a seat
in five stops get up and exit
tell the bus driver his cake is ready
_____________________________
That'll keep you up late at night, pondering and pondering. Then you can make some time to ponder some more.
PS peace out home fries
nargle 88/100
dert 88/100 |
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| Help From Above |
[Aug. 26th, 2005|07:09 pm] |
It would seem as though some awful conception of premeditated victory has come over this dert bag. I have solcitated the help of god in order to correct this issue. I spoke with god and asked him about dert, he replied threw a poem, which I will now post on his behalf.
________________________
Dert he doth move like open skyed dove
as though a little earth baring child moved for the first time
similar to the wall echoing thunder cracks of an eldery woman
done with desperate rushing of the ice cold glacier hearts
smitten uncleared and raised unsullied
my sweet almighty
done as they are
with glittering ears
souls take off
dert is going straight to hell
____________________________
There is a hidden message in this poem, do you know what it is? I bet you can't guess it. Most likely because you are an idiot. It takes three to tango by the way, not four. Go back to algebra.
nargle 88/100
dert 89/100 |
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